Willie’s right “It’s All Going To Pot”
“Well, it’s all going to pot
Whether we like it or not
Best I can tell
The world’s gone to hell
And we’re sure gonna miss it a lot”
The world is going to pot, my friends. Reefer madness is upon us now that governments have finally discovered the benefits of marijuana. I’m not referring to the medicinal benefits; governments have ignored those for decades and squandered a few billion taxpayer dollars chasing stoners in the process. No sir! I’m talking about the only two benefits that could motivate and inspire government to act; indeed the only two things at which government is truly accomplished – taxation and regulation.
Back in March 2012, I wrote a post warning of the changes that would come with the legalization of Mother Nature but despite the fact that it was the most widely shared and read post I have written to date – my warning went largely unheeded. Now it is upon us and it is too late to turn back.
Canada is about to legalize marijuana and this is what I think will happen as a result. It’s a situation so serious, even Hell’s Angels are protesting legalization if only because it will cut into their market share and profits.
Put aside any fears that crazed stoners will run rampant through society causing untold destruction and mayhem. It’s pretty much all a regular user of the demon weed can do to wander into the kitchen for some chocolate chip cookies once the munchies hit.
It’s much more insidious.
Government will regulate the sense of illicit fun right out of smoking a joint. Gone will be that evening when you and a few friends draw the shades and pull down the blinds to cluster around the coffee table with nervous excitement after dinner to daringly pass around the one joint someone managed to score from a friend of a friend.
Instead, government will pass laws requiring a specific grade of marijuana be produced; one that won’t be too potent or more aptly. . .will be so impotent even Viagra won’t save it. Government will then license both producers and distributors. (Ka ching)
It will then need to create a new Inspection Bureau with dozens and dozens of agents to wander from village to dell inspecting the quality of weed being grown to ensure it isn’t too pure; too much of a good thing. (Ka ching)
Health Canada will pass regulations about advertising and merchandising grass. It will devote copious amounts of time developing new warning messages for packaging and will produce glossy full-colour brochures and pamphlets, in both official languages, to assist doctors in understanding what they already know about the medicinal benefits of canabis. (Ka ching)
Provincial governments will tack on a provincial sales tax. (Ka ching)
Municipalities will create a new type of business license (Ka ching) and enact new bylaws banning smoking weed in restaurants, in bars, on patios, in parks and at sporting events. They will hire additional bylaw enforcement officers to patrol and issue tickets to violators of the new bylaws. (Ka ching)
Eventually, the provinces will demand that retail stores hide marijuana packages behind the counter out of sight of children and former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
Monsanto will figure out a way to genetically modify marijuana and then convince large agricultural operations to plant the altered seeds in order to boost crop production and profits for all concerned. Government will approve because if they learned nothing else from the petroleum industry, they learned that government revenue goes up when the industry’s revenue increases.
Major food companies will consider developing new marijuana-laced and flavoured products beyond the famous marijuana brownies with which most of us who grew up in the sixties are familiar. We may soon see marijuana flavoured chocolate Oreos, Kraft Marijuana Dinner and marijuana-smoked bacon.
Budweiser may develop a new beer that replaces hops with marijuana. It will taste like shit – but nobody will care because it will pack more punch than a Bud does now.
At some point, the Food Network may introduce a new show to replace Iron Chef. It will be called Stoned Chef and will feature two competing chefs trying to make a four course dinner after having smoked a half dozen joints just before the show. Because of the relaxing effect of marijuana has on motivation, the show will be, by necessity, six and a half hours long.
Rolling a ‘fat boy’ will become a thing of the past as cigarette manufacturers start churning out pre-rolled standardized joints. The ability to roll a joint will be a dying art known only to a few cowboys on the open range and a handful of traditionalists still listening to old vinyl Grateful Dead albums after having smoked a bit of weed.
Reggae artists will have nothing to sing about and will face years of declining music sales. iTunes may even stop offering their songs online.
The Westboro Baptist Church will protest legalization claiming Jesus hates people who smoke marijuana although they will make sure to reaffirm that he still loves people with semi-automatics. Racists will blame legalization on blacks or Muslims or progressives and progressives will blame it all on Rob Ford. Everybody else will blame Cheech and Chong.
Consider too, the more serious personal impacts.
Imagine being a teenager and coming home to find your dad and a couple of his friends watching a Patriots game on Sunday afternoon while smoking some weed. Imagine your mother and your grandmother sipping tea and nibbling on some marijuana-laced Oreos on the back patio.
It would be almost as traumatic as that first time you found out your parents engaged in sex (and probably enjoyed it) or that time they actually tried to ‘friend’ you on Facebook.
Imagine being a parent and finding out that your teenager rebelliously sneaks cigarettes instead of weed.
The psychological impact of it all could cause a major societal meltdown of unparalleled proportions – unless, of course, you count that time when many among us lost their minds over Justin Timberlake baring Janet Jackson’s breast at the Superbowl. That almost led to the implosion of society as we know it.
So take heed, my friends. Legalization is upon us and there’s not much we can do about it now except gather together and hope for the best. If all else fails, however, you could try this final bit of advice from ol’ Willie and his bud Merle Haggard.
“All of the whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee
Just couldn’t hit the spot
I gotta hundred dollar bill but
You can keep your pills, friend
‘Cause it’s all going to pot”
© 2015 Maggie’s Bear
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