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It’s Not All About The Hair but Perhaps It Should Be

Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.
Ivana Trump

I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong.
Steven Patrick Morrissey

As citizens, we are encouraged to lend our support for a political party and its leader based on their promises to provide good governance. We try to form that decision based on whatever vision they articulate but in the end, their words are just one more illusion that are heavy on style and light on substance. Typically, the election campaign rhetoric has little to do with what happens after the election.

Vision, as it turns out, is nothing more than a specialty channel on cable television these days.

Remember the Liberal’s promise to scrap the GST or the Conservative’s promise to implement Senate reform? If recent political history has taught us anything, it would be that a politician’s words are not a very reliable way to pick someone to lead the nation, so how do we pick a good leader if we can’t rely on what they say?

The dear lady my mother taught my sisters and me that you could tell a great deal about a person by the firmness of their handshake and by their appearance. A firm handshake tended to be a sign of good character she told us and a well-maintained appearance tended to show self-respect which was a good foundation for respecting others.

It probably isn’t realistic to expect our political leaders to shake the hand of every Canadian, especially considering they almost never campaign outside of carefully-staged campaign events in front of the most adoring party faithful and campaign workers, so I have a suggestion.

I think we should evaluate them on their appearance and, more specifically, their hair.

NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair - photo: Ottawa Citizen

NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair – photo: Ottawa Citizen

Take Thomas Mulcair, for example. For my non-Canadian readers Mr. Mulcair (or angry Tom as he is sometimes called) is leader of Her Majesty’s Official Opposition, the New Democratic Party of Canada. He is an immaculate dresser; so good in fact he looks like a prosperous banker which is a bit of a dichotomy considering he’s a socialist but that suggests to me that clothes don’t always make the man so – let’s look at his hair.

Angry Tom doesn’t have as much hair as the other leaders but he does what he can with what he has. Where he shines, however, is with his beard. It is a thing of beauty, nary a hair out of place. It is so carefully trimmed it makes the gardens at Versailles look like a weed patch. I have a beard and I try to keep it trimmed and neat but there are always few errant hairs here and there that cleverly avoid the scissors. I could trim that sucker every hour but within minutes – hairs pop up like dandelions on the lawn an hour after I’ve cut it.

That never happens with Thomas Mulcair and it is clear to me that he has more control over his beard than he sometimes has over some of the members of his caucus.

Justin Trudeau - photo: Vancouver Sun

Justin Trudeau – photo: Vancouver Sun

Then there’s Justin Trudeau, the celebrity leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. Our Justin has a Peter Pan quality about him. He’s in his early 40’s, looks about 25 and often acts about 19. He is a bon vivant and his hair confirms it. It’s like silk, always tousled in just the most fashionable manner which drives some women crazy I’m told. I can’t confirm that because every time I try to tousle my hair in a similar fashion and then go to the mall, women gather their young children closer to them and tell them not to stare.

There is absolutely no question that if Justin Trudeau’s hair was on social media – it would be trending but then most things trending on social media don’t have much more depth than his hair.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper

PM Stephen Harper

I don’t believe that our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, has hair. I believe he has some kind of synthetic thing on top of his head that is always exactly the same length and in exactly the same position it was yesterday and last year and the year before that. It’s like artificial turf for the scalp. It never moves and makes me think that it is as anally-retentive as his politics. Mr. Harper could be standing on the bow of a Navy Ship as he was last summer in the Arctic, Canadian flag flapping briskly in the wind but not a single hair moved.

Of course, considering Stephen Harper’s reputation for being pretty harsh with those who don’t blindly obey him, his hair might simply be too afraid to move.

Elizabeth May

Elizabeth May

Green Party Leader, Elizabeth May, has hair and that’s about all you can say really. It’s there, it’s real but like many left-wing activists, it’s kind of 60s and seems to be more of an inconvenience than much else. To be fair, it may be the result of global warming although the latest UN studies on climate change have yet to confirm that.

Former Alberta Premier Allison Redford had flouncy hair that she liked to flip with a casual toss of her head as she smiled and looked endearingly into the camera (any camera would do). Usually she was smiling because her taxpayer-funded jet had just arrived to whisk her off on another jaunt. Nothing ever made Ms Redford smile more than another taxpayer-funded jaunt in her taxpayer-funded jet.

Jim Prentice

Jim Prentice

Her replacement, Alberta Premier Jim Prentice has mature hair; that is to say it’s greyish but in a boyish kind of way. The style is a bit dated and reminiscent of the Fonze on Happy days. Occasionally some of his hair falls out of place but he benefits from the same kind of good looks as Justin Trudeau. He has quickly learned that rather than comb his errant hair, it’s a better strategy to leave it as is and merely undo his collar and look intense. It gives him that ‘I’m one of you’ kind of appearance and he is if you’re a fairly successful and affluent former bank executive.

Allison Redford

Allison Redford

Christie Clark, the Premier of British Columbia, wears her hair  short in a kind of impish pixie cut that matches her impish pixie smile. A former radio talk show host and now provincial premier, she is a lot like Justin Trudeau: great smile, trendy hair but with all of the depth of a former radio talk show host.  Whenever I see her with Justin Trudeau, I am always reminded of Peter Pan and Tinkerbelle.

Premier Kathleen Wynne of Ontario isn’t as cute as Premier Clark or Jim Prentice and suffers from a bit of an appearance deficit if the truth be told. She reminds me of Mme Jamieson, my grade 10 French teacher who was a bit scary. Clearly Premier Wynne’s hairdresser doesn’t like her very much. Granted, he or she doesn’t have much with which to work; Ms Wynne’s hair is reminiscent of fence wire, pulled back and glued to the sides of her head. I believe it’s intended to be a shield to protect her brain from a sudden surge of common sense that might try to penetrate. Aluminum foil would probably be almost as effective and a lot cheaper than her hairdresser.

Kathleen Wynne

Kathleen Wynne

Her colleague, Premier Phillipe Couillard of Quebec has what I call tight hair but I don’t think it’s anally- retentive. Mr. Couillard seems to be a pleasant enough fellow but his hair while definitely not straight is not quite curly and not quite wiry either. It falls somewhere in the middle and somewhere in the middle is a bit unusual for a Quebec politician. His hair doesn’t move any more than the Prime Minister’s but at least it looks like hair. He also has a beard but it is almost an afterthought compared to Thomas Mulcair’s. It’s trimmed too short so that it comes across like five o’clock shadow even in the early morning hours and his beard is white which makes it look more like graffiti than anything else.

Former Conservative MP and now Liberal MP Eve Adams has really nice hair the colour of which, like her party and constituency affiliation, she seems to change from time-to-time. Her hair just falls in caressing waves about her face. It doesn’t make her a better politician but it does make one think that based on her performance as an MP, she’d might have made a great hostess at Hooters.

Eve Adams

Eve Adams

There are other politicians, of course, and almost all of them have some amount of hair or other but the fact that most of us can’t name them tends to confirm for me that it is the quality of the hair that makes some politicians stand out from the crowd. It certainly can’t be their ideas because none of them seem to have any.

Consequently, I believe that the perfect male candidate for Prime Minister would have Thomas Mulcair’s beard and Jim Prentice’s hair. The perfect female candidate would have Eve Adams hair and Allison Redford’s flouncy head toss. Of course, none of that would guarantee effective leadership, integrity or good governance but we’re not getting that now so I believe that if we’re going to be screwed, it might as well be by someone who is really pleasant to look at.



© 2015 Maggie’s Bear

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