The Kids are Alright
Maggie and I refer to our two dogs as ‘The Kids’. This is not an attempt to humanize them – they’re dogs. It’s simply the acceptance of the fact that regardless of their age, when they’re not eating, pooping or sleeping they behave like a couple of 8-year olds with a sugar high.
Tanya is a five-year old purebred registered German Shepherd and Jasper is an eleven-year old purebred Springer Spaniel. They’re both smart enough and certainly a lot smarter than many of our political leaders but they have the emotional maturity of adolescent teenage girls with an attitude and a new iPhone.
I’m a big believer in the pack theory about dogs. They look on whatever family group they’re a part of as a pack – their pack. Breed, gender, political ideology; even species doesn’t matter. The pack is the pack and their affection and loyalty is to the pack. If you’re lucky; they look on you as pack leader.
On second thought, maybe they’re not as smart as I thought they were.
That’s all well and good and we do practice ‘pack theory’ of sorts but the problem with it is that every now and then, The Kids get thinking that while you may be the boss (or the Alpha male as dog trainers like to refer to it), you’re just like them or they’re just like you. That doesn’t mean they forment revolution and an overthrow of the status quo, it means they get thinking that how they do things is how we do things and that, my friends, ain’t how life is.
Yesterday I had to have a serious talk with The Kids. I had to explain to them – again – that people are different than dogs and that Maggie and I are people. We don’t go to the bathroom outside and we don’t chase squirrels (unless they’re digging in one of our mulch covered gardens, of course). We don’t hump our guests’ legs, we don’t lick our naughty parts in public and we greet each other with firm handshakes, hugs or the odd kiss (on both cheeks if you live in Quebec – never on the ass).
I had to explain this to them after an incident on Wednesday.
I had just taken a shower and was drying myself off (don’t visualize please). Tanya was lying on the floor in the bathroom because there is no privacy when you have dogs, small children or apparently when you have a credit card on file with Home Depot.
I dropped something and when I bent over to pick it up, Tanya jumped up and gave me a nudge in the ass with her cold wet nose. This startled me which caused me to bang my head on the bathroom vanity which caused an open bottle of mouthwash to fall over and run all over the floor. Tanya reacted to my reaction (which I admit was not very dignified) and ran through the spilled mouthwash, tracking it out into the rest of the house. The commotion brought Jasper into things and I tripped over him when he crept up and was standing behind me trying to see what was going on.
He’ll eat anything if he thinks it’s people food so he started to lick the mouthwash off the floor and had to be chased out of the bathroom before he made himself sick which caused me to slip in the spilled mouthwash and throw out my back.
The end result was that I had to wash the vanity and the bathroom floor, developed a fairly decent goose egg on my head, have a sore back and the bathroom smells like Scope. More to the point; I felt violated. I consider my ass to be private property and don’t wish to be greeted by someone sniffing it; no matter how much love might be behind the gesture.
When I got myself together finally and was dressed, I went downstairs and told The Kids that if they don’t get their sh1t together, I would start peeing on their favourite trees in retaliation, as well as, raise their rent.
I think our talk worked and it appears that The Kids are alright now. Neither of them have stuck their nose in my ass since.
It also seems that I may be Canada’s answer to Cesar Milan. Just call me the Dog Whisperer North.
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