a conservative heretic commenting on hypocrisy and stupidity in a world with too much of both
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Beware NORAD’s Santa Tracker

There are three kinds of stupid in the world.

There are those, who through no fault of their own, have inherited their stupidity from their parents or have had a random stupidity gene pop up from an ancestor who was the village idiot back in the Middle Ages. These folks are merely imbeciles and mildly annoying, especially when they are standing in front of you at the cash rooting around looking for coupons or asking the cashier how to operate whatever it is they’re buying once they get it home.

My favourite example of this group was the gal who phoned in to an open line radio show to complain about the fact that the local government was putting deer crossing signs in the wrong places. They were putting them on the busiest part of the highway causing the deer to cross where it was most dangerous and they could get hurt or killed. She suggested that the government put the signs on a quieter stretch of road where it would be safer for deer to cross.

I hope the signs reminded the deer to look both ways before crossing the street.

The second group are those whose stupidity is the result of their own – well – stupidity. They tend to lack any kind of moral compass or the brain power to develop one. They have fried their brain cells with substance abuse like smoking crack or from entering politics. A few, have managed to multi-task and do both simultaneously achieving a significantly above average level of stupidity. These folks are more than just annoying and usually cause more trouble than their worth.

We all know a recent representative of this group although he isn’t alone by any stretch of the imagination. He isn’t even the first mayor to be exposed for smoking crack but that’s another story for another day.

And that brings us to the third group;  a group that has elevated stupidity to the level of art. They are in a class by themselves; a special kind of stupid that only those who are truly committed (or should be) can achieve. I think of them as the Clueless because they are clearly thinking on such a lofty plain, they have completely lost any connection with reality and haven’t got a clue what is actually happening in the world around them.

You find the first two groups everywhere in all countries, all professions and, of course in all lines at the cash rooting around looking for coupons or partying with their crack smoking buddies while posing for pictures.

But the third group is special and there are only three or four professions open to them but boy, do they have opportunity within those professions. These are the folks who have replaced thinking with feeling. Everything in life is viewed through an emotional lens and the more tinted and fogged up the lens, the better. These folks know all of the words to Koombyah and Michael Row the Boat Ashore – Halleluiah.

The most obvious career path for this group, of course, is politics. If you’re a special kind of stupid and have the ethics and principles of a Nigerian email scammer, you can go a long way in politics. But there are other professions too.

In North America, education offers a wide-range of opportunities for the chronically stupid who place a student’s ‘self-esteem’ ahead of his or her acquisition of knowledge. Sadly this profession is not available to the brainless who are truly gifted in most countries because those educational systems actually place a high degree of emphasis on things like mathematics, grammar, history, geography and, of course, teaching students how to learn.

Another career opportunity is activism and the type of activism doesn’t matter. It could be political or environmental. It could be about saving trees, seals, whales or puppy dog’s tails and best of all, factual knowledge like scientific or medical research is not necessary. All that is necessary is feeling like something is wrong and you’re off to the races. Don’t forget your signs for the protest march and your chains so that you can attach yourself to the White House fence when you protest the Alberta Oil Sands.

The Clueless have many causes because nothing is too trivial to escape their notice. In fact, it is the trivial that occupies them because the significant confuses the sh*t out of them. They’re the folks that led the charge to try and ban Halloween from schools lest it either promote demonology or even worse, frighten the children. Last year, one of their more creative members, went so far as to make a motion right here in Canada, to have all of the oak trees near a school cut down lest a child with a nut allergy come in contact with an acorn.

You have to work overtime to be that stupid.

Now, the Clueless have a new cause – NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command). You’re probably thinking they’re anti-war or anti-military activists but you’d be wrong. They’re opposed to the fact that NORAD does a Santa Tracker every Christmas Eve which is broadcast on radio stations throughout the evening as a way of giving children a bit of excitement beyond the anticipated new tech gadgets their parents have bought them.

It’s a wonderful tradition that dates back to the 1950s and has grown to the point where NORAD now has an official Santa Tracker website complete with a countdown clock to the big day, games, music and information about Christmas all directed to children.

This is considered a threat by the Clueless.

They fear that the association with NORAD might cause children to view Santa Claus as a militaristic figure. They are unencumbered by things like facts because remember, these folks don’t think – they feel – and the fact that four or five generations of children have grown up listening to the Santa Tracker without coming to believe that Santa Claus is a war monger is irrelevant to them.

They are not merely clueless – they simply have way too much time on their hands.

I can’t imagine how stupid someone has to be to actually convince themselves of such sheer and utter nonsense let alone devote the time to dreaming up such stupidity. It takes my breath away that they even lack the ability to understand just how foolish they look as they parade their cause before the world.

These are people so stupid that they fail to realize that most six-year old don’t actually have a clue what NORAD is and care even less. All they hear is that Santa Claus is coming to town.


Some see this as just one more attack on Christmas. I don’t. I see this as just one more attack on common sense and fundamental intelligence. Christmas is doing just fine regardless of all the politically correct nonsense that surrounds it. More than 2 billion people will celebrate Christmas this year and that is quite a few more than celebrated the first Christmas – so I’m not overly concerned with the state of the Yuletide.

Nope – this is nothing less than one more bit of brainless stupidity that is a colossal waste of time and energy and which clutters up our world with thoughtless and ridiculous foolishness that helps the Clueless feel like they are – somehow – important.

They aren’t. They’re clueless; a group of people who have made stupidity their way of life. There is only one way to deal with this level of stupidity – ignore it. (I’m afraid you aren’t allowed to kill them). Leave it to other stupid people and politicians to take it seriously.

Santa Claus may in fact be on his way Christmas Eve but the Clueless are already here. I wish NORAD would track them and keep us up to date on where they are.


© 2013 Maggie’s Bear

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  • doowleb

    Please, we absolutely must have the stupid.
    They makes the rest of us look good.
    Without them, how would we keep score?

  • oldwhiteguy

    jeez, just when I thought it was safe to get out of bed.

    • MaggiesBear

      Safe to get out of bed? Hell, I don’t believe it’s safe to come out from under the bed.

  • CanadaGoose1

    They also believe Elvis is still alive and they also get to vote.

    • MaggiesBear

      Scary isn’t it It’s like the country is being taken over by guests from the Jerry Springer Show.