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It’s Time To Swim With The Current

I’ve been swimming upstream most of my life and there are days when I feel like a salmon trying to return to spawn. It’s hard work getting from here to there. The reality of life is that there are a lot of obstacles and aggravations between where you are and getting laid – metaphorically speaking so to speak.

Sometimes you wonder if it’s worth it. I used to think it was but I’m not so sure anymore.

I’ve decided that it’s time to go with the flow, to float downstream with the current rather than struggle to get somewhere that increasingly is unachievable. I’ve thought long and hard about it and would like to offer up a few policy suggestions that might alleviate much of the conflict and expense we deal with in our modern societies today.

Let’s take crime, for example.

I think we might just as well listen to the mob and do away with presumption of innocence and due process. Thorough investigations are expensive and take time, trials also cost a lot and often we don’t like the outcome so let’s just get rid of it all.

I think we should just go ahead and convict and sentence whomever the mob has decided is guilty. Dispense with the rules of evidence, do away with forensic investigation and forget about the state having to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. The mob knows the truth. All that’s necessary is to sentence the bastard.

Courts would be redundant.. We already have Human Rights Tribunals where the accused is presumed guilty so they have lots of experience with what would be our new approach to justice. Fire the crown prosecutors, legal aid lawyers, court reporters and the judges, rent out our courts to massage parlors and send the accused over to a tribunal for summary sentencing.

It would be so efficient you’d be able to see the line moving as one accused after another was whisked in and then out of the tribunal – preferably to receive a good solid spanking in public..

Taxes are another area where we’ve been struggling upstream when the solution is easy. All salaries everyone earns should simply be direct deposited to Canada Revenue Agency. CRA will use computers to calculate out how much they intend to keep for income taxes, GST, provincial taxes, gas taxes, inheritance taxes, tax on tax taxes and all the others I’ve missed and simply direct deposit whatever is left in our individual bank accounts – if there is anything left.

We get rid of tax returns, tax accountants, CRA auditors and tax collectors. The savings are enormous and we won’t have to worry about the April 30th deadline anymore. Every payday will be tax day and we won’t even have to file a return.

Elections could be eliminated. They’ve become meaningless exercises anyway that cost us hundreds of millions and which only result in corrupt, inefficient government regardless of which party is elected. Promises are made during the election and ignored the day after everyone is sworn into office.

It has become so frustrating for many that they have simply tuned out and stopped voting but I have a suggestion to reinvigorate how governments are formed that I believe will reengage people.


Because they are far more concerned with fighting over and winning ‘turf than serving those who elect them’, political parties have more in common with street gangs than political leaders. I propose we stop letting elections be metaphorical street rumbles and move to the real thing.

On what used to be Election Day, the gangs – I mean parties – would meet somewhere to “get it on” as they say (see? I can be hip) with the winner forming the next government. It could be carried live on Pay per View which would generate some extra cash to help reduce the deficit and would be significantly more entertaining and interesting than endless repetitions of election advertising that says a lot but pretty much signifies nothing.

Of course, if that’s too violent for the Canadian psyche; we could simply have the leaders of the parties don Speedos and mud wrestle with the winner becoming Prime Minister. Considering the current crop of leaders though, I’m not sure how much revenue on Pay per View would be generated to see either Stephen Harper or Thomas Mulcair in a Speedo.

We will kill the Senate, not literally of course, or we might find ourselves in front of Human Rights Tribunal. We’ll just shut ‘er down because God in Heaven knows how much more effective and democratic provincial governments have been without any kind of second chamber oversight.

As for the mainstream media, I think it’s simply time to admit that it has outlived its usefulness. It’s unfortunate because there are lots of sharp folks in the media. I know this because they tell us they are almost every day when they’re interviewing each other but the truth is that they’ve been confusing opinion for fact and reality for illusion for some time now and people are growing weary of it if declining audience and readership numbers are any indication.

The mob doesn’t like the mainstream media either except when it agrees with the mob which seems to be more frequently of late. Doing away with newspapers that haven’t figured out how to use the Internet effectively will save millions of trees which ought to make David Suzuki happier although I’m not sure anything will make him happier to be honest.

We need to cut out the middle man between us and those who are lying to us. It’s hard enough trying to separate truth from fiction without a bunch of media talking heads adding to the confusion with misrepresented facts and baseless opinion. All they do these days is whip the mob up into a frenzy and quite frankly, the mob is quite capable of achieving turbo-frenzy without any help from the media.

See what I’m getting at? Simplify. We’ve become too complex a society and that has frustrated us to the point of anger and confrontation. We need to simplify things to take some of the stress out of life.

We should stop arguing about global warming and sustainable energy vs fossil fuels. Let’s just assume that Darryl Hannah and Elizabeth May were right, hook a hose up to our collective asses, eat a lot of broccoli and cauliflower and start harnessing that methane gas. For those who don’t have gas, buy a cow. The gas one of those suckers produces in a week could power a small village for a month.

We don’t really need birds or arable farm land so let’s just go ahead and build as many wind farms as possible, let’s truck and train petroleum instead of shipping it by pipeline because that’s safer for our towns and cities – most of the time and let’s ban cars. Everyone will walk, cycle or rollerblade. In winter, we’ll toboggan. (note: we must build on inclines to make that toboggan thing work.)

We’ll legalize weed, impose more restrictions on booze, open up a bunch more safe injection and safe inhalation sites for heroin and crack; and by all means – ban cigarettes! We’ll replace the lost tax revenue with new taxes on marijuana.

We’ll also ban obesity. We’ll just pass a law that says you aren’t allowed to be fat and if you are fat, we’ll give you one year to get slim or turn you over to the mob. Banning obesity will make elevators safer and more comfortable except for that gas proposal I mentioned.

We’ll ban thinking too although that’s almost redundant with so little of it actually taking place anymore. We’ll simply turn all thinking over to government and let them tell us what to do, when to do it and how. We’ll turn raising our children over to bureaucrats, eat what we’re told wearing helmets, safety goggles and using plastic utensils so we don’t hurt ourselves. We’ll sit quietly for hours in hospital emergency waiting rooms and if you need an MRI or a hip replacement, we’ll simply replace you.

I believe if we take a more moderate, laissez-faire approach we will be more content and there will peace across the land.

We need to stop living like horny salmon swimming upstream on their way to the orgy. We need to change direction and swim with the current. Hang the accused. Wait for the government to tell us how much of our income we can keep and what to do. Eliminate elections and the mainstream media and simply let the mob rule.

After all, it worked really well in places like Egypt, North Korea, the Soviet Union, China and Iran – what could possibly go wrong?


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  • oldwhiteguy

    pointing out the absurd with more absurd comments. I would say it was cutting comment but I think it was blunt sarcasm. you were using a sledge hammer. I like it.

  • Randy

    This appears to be the Liberal Party of Canada’s election platform for the
    next federal election. Didn’t have you pegged as a Liberal but I guess if
    you are going to swim downstream…..

    • MaggiesBear

      I sold out.

  • Jeff Cunningham

    Can we have guns? I’m in if there’s guns. Oh wait…..I just read the anti fat thing, That’s gonna be a problem for me. If I’m smoking all that weed then I’ll be eating a lot of munchies.

    • MaggiesBear

      Of course you can have a gun. The whole gun control debate is absurd. Guns don’t kill people; bullets do. We’re going to give everybody a gun and ban bullets. Don’t worry about the munchies. It will be fat-free chocolate chip cookies all around courtesy of the government.

  • Pingback: It’s Time To Swim With The Current | Grumpy Opinions()

  • CanadaGoose1

    The trouble is once you give in to fascists there is no bottom to it. They are capable of any evil.

    Can’t give up on my freedom when I think of all my father and mother sacrificed in WWII so we would still have democracy. Still a lot of people out there who are much better than I am who are giving their all for this country.

    Just reading American Sniper about Chris Kyle the most lethal sniper in US military history. Now you may not agree with the war in Iraq or Afghanistan (he himself said he didn’t do it for the Iraqis), but I am all admiration at how these Seals train and fight. I believe there are several Canadians who had the longest shot to kill in Afghanistan and finally got recognized by our government after the Americans recognized them.

    • MaggiesBear

      I grew up in a military family and have a considerable respect for the men and women in uniform so you get no argument from me about their dedication or their professionalism. I also agree with you about giving into fascism but this post isn’t about fascism, it’s about the lazy and mindless reactions of mobs. I think that is an even greater threat to our societies than and political ideology ever will be.

  • sebanders

    So now I know where you get your inspiration. It’s the beer. But actually, before I read your reply, since I thought you were a wine aficionado, I was going to ask you what brand of Ontario wine you were drinking from whence you derived your creative juices.

    Your rant sounds somewhat like the reverse psychology I once used on a class of ski students I was teaching in Austria. No matter what I tried to teach them, they would do the opposite. So I had an epiphany.

    I instructed them to do exactly as I did. Then I proceeded to ski backwards down the hill, bending in all the wrong places except the knees, which I kept straight, and leaning in uphill rather than downhill, all the while zigging instead of zagging. Then I stopped and signalled them to proceed one after another.

    The outcome? They did just like before: exactly the opposite. They were actually skiing as they should have been, as I had tried so hard to do before, without success. Go figure.

    • MaggiesBear

      I don’t drink to be honest. It isn’t a cause with me and I use to drink wine and the odd CC and coke or Crown Royal. I just lost the taste for it. Maggie stopped drinking a few years back for medical reasons and so I decided to stop with her. I don’t miss it; I’ve discovered that chocolate is a magnificent alternative.

      As for inspiration, I have no clue where the ideas come from. All I know is that for two years, virtually every day, I go to bed without really knowing what I will write the next day and wake up and start writing. Sometimes, what I start to write is not what I end up writing. It’s like thee is someone else living inside me who has conttrol of the agenda.

      • sebanders

        I know exactly that of which you speak. I am even guided with choice of words that sometimes I have never used or heard of, and yet when I check the meaning it is exactly what i meant to say. I have no explanation. But I just keep on writing until there is nothing left to write.

  • J. Allore

    BRAVO!! A fine idea…I’m in!!

    • MaggiesBear

      Great, Now all we need is three more guys and a case of beer and we can get started implementing the plan.