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Heads Will Roll – US Government Orders 30,000 Guillotines

So – I read the other day that the United States Government has purchased 30,000 guillotines. Yes – I said guillotines; 30, 000 of ‘em. I don’t know if it’s true or not because I’m not too familiar with the source of the story and seldom trust reports from the distant edge of reality but if it is true – phew – it would seem that a lot of heads could soon be rolling in the U S of A.

According to the report that was widely circulated on Facebook and various anti-Muslim sites, Congress authorized the purchase for “governmental purposes” earlier this year. The report further stated that 15,000 were being stored in Montana and another 15,000 in Georgia and that their primary purpose was to publicly behead Muslim terrorists in order to desensitize Americans for when the government started executing many of them later on.

The first thing you have to wonder is which Americans?

The States, despite the Obamas’ best efforts to prove otherwise, doesn’t actually have a nobility since they told the Brits to get out in 1776 and to take their tea with them. Granted they have quite a few wealthy politicians – public office in America seeming to be one of the fast roads to riches – but few of those guys and guyettes really qualify as noble. Dignity doesn’t seem to be one of the requirements for a job in Congress these days.

It caused me to wonder why a government would need so many Weapons of Singular Destruction.

Conspiracy theorists will of course assume it is just one more part of the government’s ongoing plan to kill its own people but I don’t buy into that because my friends over at the Paranoia Club never actually explain why the government wants to kill its own citizens.

Besides, it doesn’t make sense. Every government, no matter how oppressive, needs workers because these guys aren’t going to get their hands dirty by actually working.

Even Kim Dim Sum in North Korea figured that out.

So what in the dickens (good phrase that – not as good as some I use offline but Maggie won’t let me use those in print. She says they’re vulgar) could the government be up to with so many Slap-A-Head Chops and that reminded me of Sham Wow Vince.

Could he be connected to this somehow?

Imagine Sham Wow Vince might be the mastermind behind the conspiracy to execute American citizens and for no other reason than to sell more Sham Wow Vince stuff to government.

He is, after all, very persuasive in his infomercials. He’s sold a lot of unbelievably cheap stuff to a lot of unbelievably gullible folks. He might have thought that if he sold enough guillotines he might be able to sell a pile of Sham Wows for the after head chopping clean ups. What if he did a demonstration of the new Sham Wow Vince Slap-A-Head Chop and the deal was just too good for the government to pass up? Maybe he even offered to throw the Sham Wows in for free.

“Buy ‘em now before the price goes up and we’ll figure out what to do with ‘em later.”

I know what you’re thinking. That would be procurement out of control but then it’s not like we haven’t seen that before. All democratically elected governments have warehouses full of sh!t – I mean stuff (sorry Maggie) – that they purchased but didn’t actually need or that was redundant and out of date by the time they finally got the procurement done and took delivery.

That made me wonder if the guillotines weren’t actually purchased by the current administration. Perhaps they were actually purchased by the first administration – you know, the Washington Administration – and the guillotines are only now just arriving. It makes sense when you think about it. Guillotines aren’t exactly 21st century technology and the timing is pretty consistent with bureaucratic efficiency.

The Canadian government started a procurement process for new helicopters at the end of the 1980s, for example, and we’ve gone through no fewer than five administrations since then but still haven’t taken delivery of any helicopters. But what the hell, it’s only been twenty years and that’s a drop in the bucket when it comes to government procurement.

But I digress.

Besides, the report did say that authorization for the purchase was made earlier this year by Congress so that kind of undermined my theory. (It appears that I may not be all that good at this conspiracy theory stuff – perhaps I may be too connected to reality to really do it well).

So that brought me back to square one. What would a government, especially one that wasn’t French, need with 30,000 guillotines?

Like I said, I don’t believe it’s to kill citizens. They have drones and other i-Weapons for that. It isn’t to execute the nobility because as we have already discussed, there isn’t much that’s noble about the political leadership these days and there just aren’t enough terrorists around to justify 30,000 Slap-A-Head Chops, even if Vince offered to double the order provided the government paid separate shipping and handling.

That would be about one guillotine per terrorist and that seem horribly inefficient to me even for government bureaucracy or Congressional make-work employment programs.

I finally was forced to conclude that just perhaps, the United States Government hadn’t actually purchased 30,000  guillotines or if  it  did, perhaps they were paper cutters which are technically called “guillotines”. I don’t mind admitting that this was a major disappointment to me as I had planned to write about the guillotines this morning but if they didn’t exist or were merely office supplies– then I wouldn’t be able to do that.

Desperately clinging to the failing hope that the United States Government now owned 30,000 guillotines, I turned to Snopes.com, the web site that keeps track of stories like this and publishes whether or not they’re true after they’ve done some research. It was my hope that they would confirm the story as true and I could write my piece and get on with my day.

It was not to be.

Snopes says the story is false. The government of the United States did not purchase 30,000 guillotines, not even one guillotine in fact and that pretty much pulled the rug out from under my scheduled blog article this morning so – never mind.


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  • Funk Obumer

    Ask yourself this why is DHS buying billions of hollow point rounds and 2,700 urban tanks. Or why the IRS is going to federal gun ranges shooting with AR15 semi auto’s what could the reason possibly be? It’s to use against the American people. Please people wake up to this

  • Funk Obumer

    the guillotines are for the end times if ya don’t take the mark of the beast(rfid chip) you’ll be beheaded just like it says in revelations 20:4 god bless

  • http://www.commonplacecrazy.com/ Cynthia Meents

    Funny post, Bear! You may be underestimating the stupidity of the U.S. government though. One guillotine per terrorist would be more sanitary, don’t you think?

    • MaggiesBear

      I suppose but it seems somewhat redundant to worry about sanitation when you’re lopping off heads.

  • Wandering Mind

    If the American government bought 30.000 guillotines it was because they needed to lock in the price. As Vince Sham Wow says, ‘Order now because we can’t do this all day’.

    And they say Washington wastes taxpayer dollars.

    • MaggiesBear

      Actually, if they had ordered quickly, Vince would have doubled the order. All the government would have had to do is pay separate shipping and handling.

      • Wandering Mind

        LOLOL- Touche!

  • Pingback: Heads Gonna Roll – US Government Orders 30,000 Guillotines? | Grumpy Opinions()

  • sebanders

    Fantasy land. Joke or not, it’s a waste of good cyberspace.

    If, in fact, it were true, it would certainly prove the stupidity of the Obama administration. Why didn’t they just hire the giants at the top of the beanstalk? There are, after all, much more effective and not so messy ways to eliminate your opposition, overtly or covertly. Waste of time to write about it and a greater waste of my time to comment on it. I guess I must be an idiot, among idiots, of course.

    • MaggiesBear

      Strangely, I don’t find satirizing and highlighting the kind of stupidity and intolerance found on so many web sites to be a waste of my time. Besides, it’s my time and I’ll use it any way I like. You feel free to use yours as you see fit.

      • sebanders

        Wow. Didn’t realize this was a jousting game. My apologies for knocking you off your horse. Hope you are not too bruised.

        • MaggiesBear

          Not even a little.

  • Barbara E Brink

    Bear, true or not, it was all a very good exercise in conspiracy theorizing. And it made me laugh:) But it also got me thinking. Since Obama is trying to make deals with Russia to shrink the number of our nuclear missiles, maybe the guillotines are his backup plan for World War III.

    • MaggiesBear

      Interesting thought.