a conservative heretic commenting on hypocrisy and stupidity in a world with too much of both
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If This Isn’t The Dark Side Of All That Glitters – I Don’t Know What Is!

My life is reasonably routine and uneventful. . . finally.

I get up in the middle of the night and do some writing. Go back to bed. Get up and take Maggie to work. I spend the rest of my day writing or painting, working around the house or interacting with various folks.

On the weekends, Maggie and I do Maggie and I things together.

Occasionally something happens to disrupt the routine. Usually, it isn’t serious, just some issue or event that means I have to adjust my schedule. Sometimes, it’s something that means I have to adjust my thinking.

I had one of those moments today.

I was driving into the city around 6:30 in the evening to pick up Maggie from a cocktail party she was attending with colleagues. I had the radio going and because of the time, I had opted for some tunes rather than the usual all-news station and that’s when I heard it.

I almost drove off the road.

Apparently, they now make a little gold pill that is the perfect gift for someone who has everything except a life. It is a pill that makes your poop glitter and if that isn’t the dark side of all that glitters, I don’t know what is.

I had to remind myself to breathe again although I was pretty certain Dr. Oz would be delighted that his favourite topic is finally getting a face lift.

When I returned home, I Googled ‘glitter poop’ and sure enough, there’s a pill that turns your left-overs into glittering works of art.

The pills, designed by Tobias Wong are 24-karat gold leaf capsules that will elevate your ordure to a whole new level although I got wondering if all that glitter wouldn’t perhaps be a little rough around the edges as things progressed through the rear portal.

Best of all, ingesting gold is perfectly safe and it’s non-allergenic.

This pill isn’t new either. It’s been around for a few years which made me wonder why the environmental movement isn’t all over this.

What a missed opportunity.

They could have been holding press conferences full of dire warnings about the damage to the natural environment caused by glitter doo-doo. They could have organized a whole new protest and research industry to revive and rejuvenate the movement. . .so to speak.

Non-profit foundations could have been created; government grants could have been applied for and fund-raising campaigns initiated. A whole new round of conferences could been organized and held in far-away countries, like the global warming ones, to warn the world of the impending doom caused by shiny poo. Occupy could have protested the pharmaceutical company that manufactures the pill and the entitlement generation could have demanded higher taxes on the CEO and other executives in order to finance more benefits.

And it wouldn’t have to stop there. Think of the possibilities this presents.

Paper products companies could expand their lines of toilet paper to produce one that is regal enough to tidy up after the glitterati has passed through your system. New pills could be developed to cause your poop to come out in colours that match your bathroom décor and competitions could be held to see who could come up with the most colourful stool.

People on Pinterest and Facebook could post pictures of their most colourful turds and thousands more could ‘like. In no time at all there would be all kinds of creative pictures of glittery poo coupled with quotes from famous dead people for people to share on social media.

I have to be honest; however, it seems to me that it’s a bit of a concern when your society has evolved to the point that it can spend time and money on a product that makes your crap glitter.

It’s poop! The body ejected it because it no longer needs or wants it. Making your poop glitter makes as much sense as decorating your garbage.

I don’t worry so much about that, however. After all, people paid good money for Pet Rocks which was really nothing more than a rock like all those that are lying around your neighbourhood and for water in bottles to replace the water delivered to your taps for free. What I worry about about is the mind that dreamed this up. You have to wonder what else is going on in there.

It’s all left me with just two thoughts. The first is simple. Who pays that much attention to their poop? I’m not the least bit interested in mine (and I don’t want anyone else to be interested in mine either, thank you very much). I don’t even look at it when I’m done and I’m not interested in you sharing pictures of yours no matter how colourful or reflective it might be.

Send your pictures to Dr. Oz. He adores poop.

The second is wondering if this means we have too many people making way too much money but who don’t know what to do with it or that maybe we’ve hit the wall and society in general is in its final countdown.

Perhaps the Mayans were on to something when they developed their calendar. Maybe the reason they predicted the world will end this month was because they knew that once we had come to decide that having poop that glitters was important, we were finished as a species. That’s probably where that old Mayan prophesy comes from.

“In the 12th month of the 12th year of the new millennium, when those who come after us have moved on from decorating their bathrooms to decorating their shit, the world will end!”

They’re probably right and all I can say is; Poop! I was just really getting comfortable with my current lifestyle.

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  • http://abearsrant.com thebear

    I actually heard it on the radio driving into work and thought it was a joke but when I started to check it out online I was stunned to find out not only that it was true but that it had been around since at least 2007. Thanks for leaving a comment. My comments section hasn’t been working and it was encouraging to find that we may finally have it fixed.