The Weekly Stupidity Awards: 28/10/2011
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize that half of them
are stupider than that.”-George Carlin
In a world that is constantly in motion and full of change, the one thing you can always count on is the stupid things that stupid people do. This week was no exception and I’m pleased to report that stupidity is not constrained by nationality. It is an equal opportunity employer. So sit back, grab a coffee because here we go with this week’s awards for outstanding achievement in stupidity.
Gold Award: Man Accused Of Bestiality
A man in Zimbabwe was arrested and charged with bestiality for having sex with a donkey. In court, he told the judge that he had hired a hooker who transformed herself into a donkey overnight and that he had no idea he was having sex with a donkey when he was arrested. It’s one thing to have sex with an ass and quite another to make an ass of yourself in court. The whole story kind of takes the concept of a piece of ass to a whole new place doesn’t it?
Silver Award: Couple Check Back Into Motel Room To Retrieve Crack
A couple in Florida were arrested by the police after they attempted to check back into the room they occupied the night before in order to retrieve the crack they had left in the room’s refrigerator. Unfortunately for the couple, the motel cleaning staff had already found the drugs and notified authorities who were waiting for the couple when they arrived. Next time, they should try tying a string around their finger and perhaps the other end to the bag of crack so they don’t forget it.
Bronze Award: Man Arrested For Trying To Turn Poop Into Gold
In the middle ages, alchemy was all the rage and wizards and others spent their lives trying to turn base metals into gold. Following in the grand tradition, a man in Northern Ireland tried to take it one step further with his plan to turn his own feces into gold. His scientific theory (and we use that term loosely) was that sufficient heat would turn poop into the precious metal and make him wealthy. He was arrested after causing $4,500 damage by placing his steaming raw material on a heater in his apartment. Some people just don’t know jackshit apparently.
Honourable Mention: Birmingham Prison Loses Keys To Prisoner Cells
Just after privatizing the prison, the new security firm now running the prison lost the keys to prisoner’s cells. Nobody is sure how or why the keys went missing but they are clear that all of the prisoners remained locked in their cells. When the primary thing prisons do is lock people up, losing your one set of keys is a pretty strong signal that just maybe you’re in the wrong business. Isn’t it sort of like Dunkin Donuts not having any donuts?
Honourable Mention: Shame On The Moon
A frightened man in Hertfordshire, England called 999 to report that bright lights were flashing and flying over his house. He explained that the UFO was now hovering above his home and he was afraid for his safety. He called back shortly and with some embarrassment told the police emergency operator that he had been mistaken. It wasn’t a UFO after all, it was the moon. Wait until he gets his first look at the Northern Lights. That ought to send him into a tizzy.
Congratulations to all of this week’s winners, they have reassured us that regardless of how much change goes on in our world, stupidity is a constant fact of life. No matter what happens there will always be stupid people doing stupid things. God bless ‘em, they help to reassure most of us that our lives aren’t so bad after all.
Honest folks, we don’t make this stuff up. We’re not that clever.
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